I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
