cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
