grandma shit on top of the toilet
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
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