You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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