The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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