I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
Four minutes until I can fart!
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
