the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Randomize
