there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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