Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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