Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
