Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
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