it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I need to align my fucking chakras
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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