i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
We have so much sex to catch up on
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
