I'm eating all of the evidence.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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