if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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