I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
