so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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