uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize