just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Randomize
