Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
