I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
i've created a new STD.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Randomize
