I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Randomize
