I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I am mentally ready for anal.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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