you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
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