you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
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