We're facebook friends in real life
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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