Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
