please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
