Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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