They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
