I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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