Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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