Just fell off a train. Bad.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
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