rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Acid is not a monday night drug
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
