can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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