tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
