My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
