I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize