remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
