Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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