The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
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