I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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