you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
