In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
