i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
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