Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Randomize
