3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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