I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize