I'm so fucking centered right now
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
