I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Randomize
