Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Randomize
