I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
