I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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