No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Randomize
