Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Randomize