so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
