forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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