I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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