found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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