I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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