i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
