i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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