all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
the day after is always just damage control
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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