the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
