You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
