My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
