Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
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